Kentucky Derby is here again!

Posted by Mrs Zeee on 05/01/2009

I am not much of a gambler, but I love a good horse race.

I love the excitement in the air as the starting bell rings, the gates blast open and a cloud of hooves and dust thunder their way around the track…

If the weather cooperates, it’s a wonderful afternoon out and even more entertaining than checking out the horses, is watching the people who attend these functions: They come from all walks of life. Add cold drinks and fancy hats, and you have the highest and lowest of society all rolled into one unique event.

This year I have finally chosen my favorites. There’s no science to how I select my horses. In fact, I usually leave it up to my crazy imagination.

You see, I think there’s a lot to be said for how a horse is named. Contender names are notoriously kooky. Rarely do you see a Tom, Dick or Harry… As if these poor horses are not working hard enough, training their entire 2 , 3 or sometimes 4 years of life for this race, on top of it all, they have to endure the cruelest of nomenclature as well.  It’s so unfair!

To lessen the blow, I generally choose the horses with the most bizarre names and then I create a little backstory to go along with the nuttiness. It makes me feel more invested since I never wager more than a few dollars per race.

Here are my 3 crazy-logic picks for win, place, show on tomorrow’s event:

Coming in 3rd…
# 12   General Quarters, formerly known as Colonel Nickelpence, spent his entire military career facing obstacles. After All, the armed forces are a difficult place for a horse. He was teased endlessly by his comrades, he could barely find a uniform in his size and his large backside never fit in the bunker so he had to sleep outside in the freezing rain and cold.  One night, there was a terrible snow storm and as the troop was trying to rest to prepare for an important mission, the door blew off the building and they were exposed to the elements. They were literally freezing and in danger of being frostbitten.  Colonel Nickelpence did all he could to block the weather from entering until he finally found a solution. He carefully backed into the broken entryway and sealed off the giant opening with his huge rear end.  He held steady long enough to warm-up the entire building and its grateful inhabitants. The commanding general was so impressed that he promptly promoted the Colonel’s status to General on account of his remarkable sacrifice in warming the sleeping quarters with his massive hind-quarters!

2nd….

#16 Pioneer of the Nile This horse has an even more interesting history. As is common knowledge, residents of Cairo, Egypt are huge fans of 2 types of transportation: camels and covered wagons. They love both because they are reliable, safe and ideal for towing their goods to and from the bazaar.  When young #16 was born he was in denial that he was a horse. You see, in his heart, he really felt like he was a camel. So, he fashioned a hump and grew his eye lashes extraaaa long. He spent days and days taking tourists around the pyramids and pretending to be a camel. Of course, he didn’t fool anyone with his hi-jinks. In fact, he made the local camel population very angry.  Well, one day a horrible strain of the camel flu became an epidemic across Cairo. When the president of the country toured the city to assess the situation, his handlers did not want him to use camel transportation. Instead, they hired a horse-drawn wagon because horses were immune to the flu virus. Our protagonist was chosen to cart the president around and although he was a reliable mode of transportation, the president could not get over the fact that this horse had a major identity crisis — the first of its kind. In any case, he appreciated the horses services immensely and so he aptly named him after his complexity: The Pioneer of Denial.

1st…

#1: West Side Bernie or the WSB as he’s known around the stables is owned by the Hall family formerly of Manhattan’s Upper East Side. As a young horse, Bernard was dragged to endless society functions with his owners, and having had his share of caviar and crumpets, rebelled from his high society lifestyle by becoming a street performer. Bernard moved to Harlem and set-up shop outside of Lincoln center with a du-wop group that came to be known as Bernie and the Sharks. One day, the Sharks were performing when suddenly their bags were stolen by rival vocalist gang, the Jets. Bernie jumped into action and chased the Jets straight up Amsterdam Avenue and around Central Park twice, tiring them out so much that they promptly handed over the goods. The Sharks cheered as their hero returned with nary a bead of sweat. The NY Post printed the story and the headline read: “West Side Bernie Bests a Jet!”

And that, my friends, is how a hero and racing champ came to be…

 

So if you have nothing to do tomorrow, put on a funny hat, enjoy a Mint Julep and cheer these fellas on to victory… Happy Derby Day!